Skip to content
Life Guide Situations Guides

    Type a keyword to search
    English

    By situation · 9 tips

    A death in the family

    What to do at the time, and how to look after yourself and your family in the months afterward.

    1 At the time

    What to handle after someone dies

    If someone dies at home or elsewhere, first tell a natural death from an unnatural one: for an accident, an unknown cause, or someone found after living alone, call the police right away and don't touch the body or the scene

    If the person died in an accident, in a way no one understands, or was found only after living alone for a long time, and had no hospital treatment, the public security authorities (公安) issue the death certificate. If the scene has been disturbed and things can't be explained, the certificate is hard to get. Without this paper, cremation, deregistering the household registration and insurance claims are all stuck. If you can't tell which kind it is, call 110 (China's police number) first. After the police arrive and finish their check, they will issue the certificate as usual.

    • High value
    • Evidence A
    • Keeps you free
    After a major blow

    In the first days after a loved one dies, don't be alone; if you have heart disease, high blood pressure or diabetes, keep taking your medicine, and call 120 (China's ambulance number) if your chest feels crushed

    On the first day after a loved one dies, the chance of a heart attack is 21.1 times the usual, and it falls day by day after that. For people aged 60 to 89, the share who have a heart attack or stroke within 30 days after a partner dies roughly doubles, then falls back after a month. If you already have cardiovascular disease, don't stop your medicine these days. If your chest feels crushed, you can't catch your breath, or one side of your body goes weak, call 120 (China's ambulance number) right away.

    • Top value
    • Evidence A
    • Buys life

    2 Looking after the living

    After a major blow

    If a loved one died by suicide, an accident or a homicide, don't try to tough it out; reach out for professional help

    People whose spouse died by suicide are about 80% (men) and 70% (women) more likely than others to be diagnosed with a mental disorder within five years. Compared with people whose spouse died of other causes, it is also 70% to 100% higher. People bereaved this way are more likely to feel that others keep their distance and to feel shame. That is exactly the reason to go and find someone, not to wait until you feel better on your own.

    • High value
    • Evidence A
    • Buys life
    After a major blow

    In the first six months after a spouse dies, put meals, sleep, chronic-illness medicine and follow-up checks in the hands of one particular person who keeps watch

    In the less than six months after a spouse dies, the chance of dying in the same period is about 40% higher than for people who are not widowed. After six months it falls to about 15% higher. For men it is about 23% higher, and for women the difference is so small it may be just chance. What to do is put the medicine, the meals and the follow-up checks on a specific person, and don't count on remembering them yourself.

    • High value
    • Evidence A
    • Buys life
    After a major blow

    After a parent dies, tell the child the truth and let them attend the farewell

    Children who lose a father or mother before age 18 are about 50% more likely to die afterward than children who have not. When a parent died of an accident or suicide, it is about 80% higher, and when of illness, about 30% higher. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends telling the child honestly what happened, and supporting the child in attending the funeral and the farewell.

    • High value
    • Evidence B
    • Buys life
    After a major blow

    If grief is still stuck after six months and you can't get through your days, register at a psychiatry or clinical psychology department

    About 1 in every 10 bereaved adults gets stuck: more than six months on, they still long for the person so much that they can't eat, can't go to work, can't take care of children, feel numb, and feel life has no meaning. This is not a lack of strength. It has diagnostic criteria and a specific treatment. Targeted treatment worked for 51%, and ordinary psychotherapy for 28%, and it also worked faster.

    • Moderate value
    • Evidence A
    • Buys life
    After a major blow

    Don't start by paying for grief counseling; first see whether your grief is truly stuck (the symptoms in §29.8)

    Arranging psychological counseling for every bereaved person brings only a small benefit that can no longer be seen after a while, because most people would recover on their own. But for people who clearly can't adapt, treatment works as well as treatment for other psychological problems. So first check against §29.8 (go to psychiatry if grief is stuck), and spend the money if it matches.

    • High value
    • Evidence A
    • Saves money
    After a major blow

    To have someone talk with you, call 12356 (China's national mental-health hotline); minors and teenagers call 12355 (national youth integrated service platform); to see a doctor, register at a psychological clinic

    If you want someone to talk to, call 12356, the national psychological assistance hotline, which is free. For minors and teenagers there is also the 12355 youth integrated service platform (青少年综合服务平台). To see a doctor, register at the psychological clinic of a psychiatry, psychology or clinical psychology department. When there is a family upheaval, unemployment or dropping out of school, community grid workers and social workers are supposed to reach out on their own.

    • High value
    • Evidence B
    • Saves money
    After a major blow

    In the first three months after a blow, put off every big decision that can't be undone

    In this period your judgment of any “opportunity” is at its worst. In an experiment, sad people were willing to take a little over 10% to a little over 30% less money to avoid waiting 3 months. Put off for three months anything above a month's income or with a high cost of changing your mind. First tell it to someone who has no stake in the matter, and don't decide the same day.

    • Moderate value
    • Evidence B
    • Saves money

    Related

    This site arranged the groups and order on this page; the tips come from the book. About