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    To tell whether someone is interested, look at behavior and not "signals": who initiates, who arranges, who follows up

    • Moderate value
    • Evidence B
    • Saves time
    • Disputed
    • Free
    • Takes minutes
    • Some willpower

    In plain words

    After strangers of the opposite sex chatted for ten minutes or so and then judged each other, they were fairly accurate at judging that "the other person is not flirting," but could hardly tell when "the other person is flirting." So don't draw conclusions from the expressions and tone in a single conversation alone. People who feel more drawn to someone are more likely to message them and ask them out afterward, though the link is weak.

    Cost

    Free, and it takes little time. The hard part is changing a habit: stop turning over the other person's expressions and tone, and record facts instead.

    What you get

    Two studies measured how accurately people recognize flirting. In the first, 52 pairs of unacquainted people of the opposite sex talked to each other for 10 to 12 minutes. Afterward each reported whether they had been flirting, and whether they thought the other person had been. The result: "interactions in which no flirting occurred were judged more accurately, while interactions in which flirting occurred were judged worse." The second used 26 one-minute videos judged by 261 observers, with a consistent conclusion. People can fairly reliably see that "the other person is not flirting," but find it hard to see that "the other person is flirting." The third study looked at behavior. It pooled three rounds of speed dating, 559 people and more than 6,600 dates, and followed them afterward. The more special a person's liking for a particular partner was at the meeting, the more that person later messaged and asked out that partner. This kind of association averaged a correlation coefficient of about 0.15 (a weak association). This shows that interest shows up in behaviors such as making contact and arranging to meet. But the study did not compare behavior against expression and tone to see which is more accurate

    Notes

    Disputed. Other research holds that it is not that men overestimate women's sexual intent, but that women report their own intent as lower on questionnaires. Who judges more accurately is still unsettled. Neither of the first two studies measured behavioral cues. The third study shows that liking shows up in messaging and asking to meet. But no study has directly compared "looking at behavior" with "looking at expression and tone" for accuracy; that is the author's inference. The author suggests looking at whether the other person initiates, whether they arrange the next meeting, and whether they follow up even when you don't push

    Evidence grade
    B : Supported by research but without a precise number, or based on small or single studies.
    Sources
    1. Hall JA, Xing C, Brooks S (2015). Accurately detecting flirting: error management theory, the traditional sexual script, and flirting base rate. Communication Research, 42(7), 939-958. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650214534972
    2. Perilloux C, Kurzban R (2015). Do men overperceive women's sexual interest? Psychological Science, 26(1), 70-77. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797614555727 (the disputing side)
    3. Baxter A, Maxwell JA, Bales KL, Finkel EJ, Impett EA, Eastwick PW (2022). Initial impressions of compatibility and mate value predict later dating and romantic interest. PNAS, 119(45), e2206925119. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2206925119

    Translated from the Chinese original. Original book, section 10, tip 3. Content may be out of date and rules differ by place. When you actually deal with an agency, a doctor or a court, follow what local officials, doctors and lawyers tell you. Disclaimer